monologue mode: ON (unabridged version)

teka nga! magreview tayo. pano ka nga ba naging ganyan?

masyado ka ba nasaktan?

anong mga pangyayari ang bumuo sa katauhan mo ngayon?

anong nagawa ng mga lumipas mong relasyon para sa'yo?

sa tingin mo ba nakabuti yong mga yon para sa'yo?

. . .

ang natatandaan ko nalang kung pano ako nung nasa kolehiyo ako.. natatandaan ko kung pano ako asarin ng mga kaklase ko dahil sa lambing kong magsalita. at sa sobrang iyakin ko sa mga bagay bagay. hindi ko alam kung pano ko napapagsabay ang pagiging depressed ko at pagpasa sa mga exams noon! MULTITASKER na talaga ako nuon palang. ahaha!

ok then: ang boypren ko nuon, CANNOT BE na, to start with. pinilit. hindi praktikal. nagfeeling you & me against d world kami. in the end, he chose a relationship a lot less complicated than ours. and that did not include me. so, there, babay college boypren.

after graduation, there was this guy na dinrowing ko ng apat na taon sa mga panaginip ko. pag sinuswerte nga naman, kung kelan hindi ko na siya makakasalubong araw-araw, nun pa ako niligawan! it was a fun 5 months of courtship with him. i really felt his efforts cavite->bulacan and back?? so sweet of him. i liked him kasi he got into the deepest part of me. he got to discover my mind, it was everyday correspondence via friendster ala you've got mail. pero something went wrong again. and when i was ready to admit that the love he feels for me was mutual--he backed out. purely BS noh? pero there--post graduate boylet down.

then i got myself a job. back in manila. back with the manila boys.

palabas-labas. patambay-tambay. i started to learn how to drink. i lost my allergy to alcohol. then slowly, seniors from work started to make pa-cute saken.

i felt him, this guy. (senior 1 a.k.a torpe senior) what he does to me. always, never fail to ask me out on a group date. looks after me at work and gimmicks--always. and even if we didn't have a relationship or whatever, was ALWAYS and i mean ALWAYS there for me when i need someone to cry on. he knew i liked someone else [insert: mokong] because i was too callous to tell it to him even if he's acting more than just a friend.

and i quote

'wag mo kasing isara ang puso mo sa maling tao.

prang ngaun, gusto kong sabihin na mahal na mahal kita,

pero dahil alam kong mahal na mahal mo si pare namin,

hindi ko magawa.'

so there, torpe senior.. babay.. sana dinerecho mo kasi ako.

and then came Mokong (a.k.a Yummy Senior). he's a guy i decided to go into a relationship with simply because i didn't believe in relationships anymore. i didn't want to be cheated on. our relationship was twisted, to start with, but i did not care. alam kong notorious babaero cya ng trabaho namen, but the hell i care? he treated me like a real girl. a real girlfriend. i felt loved. well, at least during weekdays.. ugh, now you get the picture? no formal ending--but its ended, trust me. babay, mokong.

then came payat. i knew i loved mokong a lot more than i loved him. but i thought this relationship with him was for real--finally i believed in love again. but he broke me. i bit the dust again. as much as i thought this was the perfect love story--it ended as the perfect storm. worst, dirtiest break-up ever. did not only ruin ourselves, but the friendship carefully built through the years in our workplace. bye, payat.

now, i've fallen in love with my best friend. my best friend who is not available. my best friend who constantly bugs me but i think it's cute. sometimes i still feel that he likes some other girls for that matter. but, i am so happy whenever i am with him. oh well, i WAS so happy when i am with him. but i was so stupid, i asked for a definition--that made everything a whole lot complicated. so all the happy moments--now in the past. i don't know if i could still go back. if i should still go back or not? i'm hoping this is not goodbye, bestfriend.

. . .

baket nga ba pinapakita mong sobrang tigas mo ngayon?

natatakot kang masaktan? sinong pinaka nakasakit sa'yo?

kaya mo ba syang patawarin? para naman mapalaya mo na yung sarili mo..

etong labstori nyo ng bestfrend mo, kaya mo pa bang buhayin?

handa ka na bang magmahal ulit?